Ponchito: a canine source of assistance
Striking a balance in life is, in part, done by improving and maintaining your mental and physical health. There are as many ways to do this as there are types of people. One huge source of support for my family and me to maintain balance has been our dog Ponchito. He is, as of this writing, a 10-year-old chihuahua mix, with short black fur, gangly limbs, and 17 pounds worth of dog. With all the spunk and personality he has, Ponchito can be quite the handful. In the process of connecting with him, building up a relationship, and coming to understand as much as I could of his mind, I became better associated with myself and the PTSD I live with. I have learned because of Ponchito, it is not the type of connections you have, but the quality and care you show for them that provides the biggest impact. If you are unsure if having an animal companion is for you this post may provide some insight as to why it may be helpful and the difficulties of taking care of another living, breathing being.
When I first met my wife, I did not understand she was a packaged deal. She did not know that either to be frank. What was originally envisioned between us as a duo became a trio that first night Ponchito stayed over my place with my spouse and me. As usual, I could not sleep that evening. In part because of this strange animal that continued to stare at me with big brown eyes as we prepared for bed, but also because at this point of my life it was difficult to sleep without waking up in terror. So, I would stir awake at random intervals in the dark and turned over to see him laying still as a rock. The catastrophizing in my head began swiftly, is he breathing? Airway, breathing, and circulation began percolating as questions in my head begging to be answered. I clenched my jaw and placed my hand upon his furry little chest afraid that he might be dead. There it was, the slightest bit of chest movement, and the solid thud-thud of his heart. Soon after finding the answers satisfactory, I was able to relax, breathe and my pulse finally slowed. This happened multiple times that night where I could have sworn, I had woken up to a dead dog lying next to us, but each time was proven wrong. I have heard of a similar situation of parents bringing home their newborn, but this was not my child, heck it was not even my dog! Yet the connection between him and I was beginning to grow. The fear and worry that pervaded my life would be one of the first things that brought us together.
This isn’t to say Ponchito and I hit it off at the first meeting. For instance, if I tried to pet Ponchito he would deftly move his head or jump away to avoid being touched. I figured it would just take some time for him to get to know me and left it at that. With time and attention, Ponchito would change from keeping me at a distance to curling up on my lap to sleep soundly or being on guard with eyes closed and ears perked for the slightest bit of sound. In those instances, Ponchito showed me you could be both at peace and alert.
Besides Ponchito’s demonstrations of balance, he was also a bridge for me to learn how to connect again with others. There was a variety of ways he did this and what helped the process was that he appreciates the importance of connection. After all, he would cuddle with me as much as I would let him. Usually, it begins with him scratching at my leg or my desk. That or if we were sitting on the same level surface it would instead be a paw upon my chest and a look into my eyes asking for space for him too. I hate to admit at first, I brushed him off. There was too much to study, to read, and pain to avoid that I could not give him space. However, he was persistent and insistent. If I would not give him space, then lying next to me at my hip was good enough. When he tried again maybe he would get lucky and I would let him curl up on my lap and I could feel the weight of him, his warmth, and that rhythmic breathing reminding me of his life. I did not understand it at first, but it distracted me from the judgment and blame that the hurt part of my mind heaped onto my shoulders. Instead of being stuck in the past here was that reminder to enjoy the present. It became more natural to pet him and stroke his fur and stay grounded for another little while. Rather than isolate as my mind was telling me to do, Ponchito helped me do the opposite. That aided me in seeing that perhaps I did not want to be alone or believe that others would be better off without me.
When my night terrors had me kicking and screaming at night. When I could not wake myself up from the memories that haunted me, and my wife was too drained to be awakened I could count on Ponchito. It was a surprise to wake up to Ponchito frantically rubbing his face into mine, but I recognized the smell and feel of his fur. Instead of opening my eyes and wondering if another mortar was incoming, I could ground myself in his embrace and the look of worry in his eyes. Even the slight whining noises he made conveyed the anxiety he and I were both feeling. I do not know if Ponchito understood what I was going through, but he figured out quickly enough how to get me to stop. This happened regularly enough that my appreciation for this dog grew from stunted ambivalence to fondness and finally love.
“…when I became so tightly enwrapped by my trauma, my pain, and sought a plan to ease my suffering I would see his dumb furry face”
I remember days as well so filled with dread and anxiety that I could only peek out the windows to make sure that I was safe. It was a glance sometimes because of a noise or a thought that danger lurked outside and was waiting to come in. This is where Ponchito helped me feel safer. As a chihuahua, he loves to bark at anyone and anything. That recognition that I could lower my guard when he was around, gave me some space to breathe. When he needed to walk, I would take him out to push myself. It became easier to go outside in large part because he was always on alert. Perhaps he could tell how high my anxiety was when I was around people and this is what drove him to have such vigilance. I appreciated it as it left me feeling safer. However, to truly become adjusted to everyday life in the US would still require me to participate in therapy and partake in medication. Here at least was some minor proof that relaxation was at the very least obtainable. Even if I was not ready to believe it to be true yet. This has become a source of difficulty later as he is not well trained, and it has been difficult for me to want to teach him to behave differently. I hope at some point to get rid of this security blanket of sorts, but currently, I prefer my dog “barky” so to speak.
Another positive I want to touch on was when my suicidal ideation reared its head. When all I could see was the soothing peace promised by eternal slumber, an image of Ponchito helped to ward off those thoughts. To assist with this my wife would send me pictures of him looking for me whenever it was that I left for school, work, or some other random errand. I am sure, even now, to receive some pictures of Ponchito looking out the window or a video where I will witness him whining and pacing on the wooden floor as he wondered where I could be. My dog was not the only thing preventing me from carrying out the thoughts of suicide, but he was a big reason why I have become so much more resilient. For instance, part of the therapy I underwent required me to create a plan of action or therapy plan for any suicidal ideation. It is a list of steps on how to combat the thoughts. First is recognition of the warning signs that help me realize the state I am in. Next up are coping strategies then phone numbers of people I can reach out for help and professionals I can get in contact with. An additional step I came to implement was thinking about the connections in my life and what my death would mean to those closest to me. Besides considering what my absence would mean for my wife, which itself was rife with problems, I could at least think of Ponchito.
As a dog, Ponchito has no sense of judgment from what I can tell. If I did not allow him to lay on my lap at any current moment he would come back later and ask again. In Ponchito’s big brown eyes I saw the acceptance for my life, for what I have been a part of, even if I could not allow it for myself. My heart still aches now when I consider that I would be so fortunate to have a being in my life that would love me not just for the good I brought into their lives, but also despite the difficulties and the pains. Even if I could not accept my life for what it was, here was Ponchito standing resolute despite my differing reasons why I was such a burden. So, when the time came for me, when I became so tightly enwrapped by my trauma, my pain, and sought a plan to ease my suffering I would see his dumb furry face. I could see him looking out the window and wondering where I was. Perhaps he had thoughts of when was I going to return and if he would get a treat may have entered his head. To think that I would disappoint him in that way. To move on from this life without him and leave him with just my shell to lay upon seemed to be the last straw. No matter how much I hurt inside, how warped my perception I can at least see clearly that I could not leave him waiting at the window in that way. There are those moments when I catch him looking at me, wide-eyed with hope and affection and I cannot help but smile back at him. We have been through quite a lot together and here is hoping we will enjoy many more years yet.
Before wrapping this up I do want to point out having a pet can be rewarding, but it also comes with its costs. Taking care of another life is not something that should be taken lightly or with nary a thought. Consider the average cost of a dog could be around $1,000 a year or so. Also having a pet requires proper care and training of the animal so they can recognize what is expected of them. This is a part I am still working on as the owner. It has also been difficult for my spouse and me to find apartments to rent whenever we attempted to move because a lot of places will not rent to pet owners. If you do not have a lot of space to care for your pet or do not understand the proclivities of a particular breed, then you may be in more for than you bargained for. Having a pet is not a panacea. You will not be cured and be able to say the pains of your life are no more, instead you can find more opportunities to grow as a person.
For me, Ponchito has taught me the importance of connection, balance, and my life. With this life, I want to honor his participation in it by loving him, my family, and at some point, myself.
